depressing rant

15 means I can't drive yet

13 means I can “control” my medical stuff

I tell my mom my medicine is out. she tells me to just use her old pills. I say I don’t want to i’m uncomfortable with that

she dosen’t care

I call my medicine in to the pharmacy

my aunt says she will pick it up the next day

she has a migraine and cant

my grandma says she maybe can pick it up

2 days go by I just want my medicine

but I don’t even know if my medicine is working anymore

I feel so empty but I also feel so much

so much pain and tiredness and sadness its all too much

so I sleep it off and I sleep for hours I come home from school and I sleep until its time for dinner or I just skip dinner because it dosent matter anymore

I wake up on Saturday at 7 I eat then sleep and wake up at 10:30 then at 2 I want more sleep and I wake up at 4

sleep heals

Saturday night insomnia hits I cant sleep at all I ask my sister for comfort she yells I ask my cat for comfort he leaves my dog is in my moms room i’m alone except for my music Billie singing in my ears the lyrics go straight to my heart

I miss my best friend she dosen’t answer my texts and I rarely see her in the morning at school. she dosen’t ride the bus anymore

she ignores my texts

I walk to the gas station with her (first time in so long!!!!!). she tells me she may move to texas I want to die even more

intimacy of a childhood friend you’ve known forever

you know she cares a lot but she has her own shit and you can’t expect anyone to care or think of you

the spotlight isn’t on me. nobody cares about me (is this freedom or hell)

I miss my best friend and my other best friend I miss when music made me super happy I want to color my hello kitty book but i’m even bad at that

school gets worse and worse my pottery sucks my English teacher hates creativity the kids in math hate me science bores me and makes me cry I cant be here PE pushes me

I just feel like dying

I want to sleep forever I want to be in the sky watching everyone’s reactions;

my sister would have my books and clothes I love her a lot

nobody at school would bat an eye

I miss my best friends

I wish my medicine worked

I wish I could go home

but i don’t even know where home is because when i’m at home I still think “i wanna go home”

i’m at home but it dosen’t feel like home and I want to go home

I want to clean my kitchen and I want to cook and bake I want to color and create and make things but i’m too tired and alone for that

I know I can fix myself I know I could get better

but pain and depression is so comfortable

and i’m so tired I cant shower I cant wash my face I cant eat I cant do anything I cant scroll Instagram my eyes won’t let me I can’t comprehend anything

i’m so so tired

I miss my best friends I don’t even know if they like me

I want to go home